Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Escaping to the Realest Reality

I'm trying my hand this morning at some free writing, which terrifies me to no end.  No editing.  No tweaking.  No photos.  Certainly improper grammar, as always.  Just writing in the raw from a raw heart.  From last night.

These days of separate living during the week are hard.  He off to work in another time, another place.  Me in my usual zone and space, this place we both call home.  I miss turning to see his face, feeling his warm breath on my skin as we lay together, sharing life together as we talk across the short expanse of white sheets.

I slip alone into bed, the baby breathing in perfect rhythm in her space across the room. 

In the soft quiet I laid still myself but unable to sleep.  The evening Coke I knew I'd regret was working on me.  So, I turned to face Him, who was there, is here.  The conversation was one sided as I shared my day.  My frustrations with myself.  My fears about schooling.  About parenting.

Then, my honesty finally blurted out what I most wanted.  Just to see His face.  To leave it all behind and get lost there instead of drowning here.  I don't really want a problem solver.  I want a love story.  A happy ending to my end of the day.  A happy all day.  I want an ever present Lover of my soul.

Is this some kind of wild escapism I'm running after?  Just a way out of my problems?  Or...or am I seeking the realest Reality, one I don't want to escape, when I reach for His face across the space of my life? 

(OK.  I'll admit a little editing. Just couldn't help myself.)